[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
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911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
scrabbled eggs
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.