I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
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I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Breaking news:
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face