I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
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COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!