I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
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Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.