ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
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Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Sniffing the broccoli
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
How do you milk an almond?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow