[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
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babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?