employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
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Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
scares
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
subtitles are so good nowadays
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
(Musicians.)
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’