Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
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*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Welcome to the stomach
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
How can I say no to this ?
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.