[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
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my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently