I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
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My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I’m giving up ice.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic