doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
You Might Also Like
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.