Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
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i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.