I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
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If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
A flock of dads is called a grill.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]