Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
classic mixup
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…