BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
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I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour