Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
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Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take