The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
You Might Also Like
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.