Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
it must be school picture day
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
White parent Vs Arab parents
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*