Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then