[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
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[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod