i will not be silenced
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us