“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
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In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Does your wife know you’re single?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?