If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
No Google it does not
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.