Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
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Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes