I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Well, this certainly took a turn
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I created you as mosquito food.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house