I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”