I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I feel seen
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend