has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
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All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine