Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
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“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.