Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
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A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Where is your GOD now????
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm