me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
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Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Eat…
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
i meant to share this earlier
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills