professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
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Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.