By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.