daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
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i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?