Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
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SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Everyone’s family
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out