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Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
mariah carrie
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
who did the taste test?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.