I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.