If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
You Might Also Like
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
No, he would not have.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined