Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
HELP 😭
Eat…
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
We like the way Dwight thinks
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!