The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*