7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
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Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Google assistant rules
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Donkey Kong sommelier
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job