My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
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As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Genius idea!!
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS