Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
You Might Also Like
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.