Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”