Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
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My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON