This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
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Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys