I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
You Might Also Like
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
the world’s most popular steaming services
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My teenage children choosing violence
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat