Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Great acting.. 😂
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.