*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
is this a warning or an offer?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.