I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
If you love someone, let them tweet.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.